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Memorabilia - General Rick Hillier ret.
The General and the Babe...
In 2008, top NATO generals caught up to the rest of the world when they finally admitted that they "cannot kill their way to victory"
But some members of the Canadian Forces disagree. A few are already growing nostalgic for former top Canadian General Rick Hillier left, whose most famous saying was: "Our job (the Canadian Forces) is to be able to kill people" specifically "the detestable murderers and scum bags" in Afghanistan.
Called, by militarists, Canada's most popular general, he nevertheless, lasted a considerably shorter time as the head of the Canadian Forces than his three immediate, supposedly less successful, predecessors.
It's easy to see why. He was sacked by the Conservative Prime Minister for repeatedly saying things which embarrassed the government and its ministers, one of whom - his own civilian boss, if you can believe - the general even managed to get dismissed by constantly undermining his credibility in public. Though the Prime Minister had appointed the minister, the general got him fired through the media. But in the end Hillier finally got just desserts for just always being way out of line. Someone should coin a phrase that starts with "Live by the sword..."
But still, the former general, Hillier, was there long enough to firmly cement his place in history as the first Canadian general ever to lose a war. US Secretary of War Gates, in disgust, removed the Canadians from their former theatre of operations and replaced them with reliable Americans.
Hillier is now making his living on civvy street, pandering to foreign war industry lobbyists and their cronies with their sacks of cash and stable of bad girls. (Google Prime Minister Mulroney, Karlheinz Schreiber & Max Bernier.)
Hillier's next biggest claim to fame is sitting near Julie Couillard the day she wore her famous dress and displayed her many talents, to a cabinet function - see below)
Belatedly, someone is producing souvenir art to memorialize the former general who's now bringing his famous communications skills to the Toronto Dominion Bank.
No one is quite sure, but many have suspicions that his advice may be why Canadian banks are suddenly imploding. His may be a repeat performance, duplicating his previous success in Afghanistan, of seizing defeat from the jaws of victory...
Catching Bin Laden with POOP
(Canadian Gov. Military Classification: POOP - Pisspot Or Other Purpose)
Probably the most celebrated Canadian Government initiative, in providing non-military aid to Afghanistan, is this Threefer Patriotic Pisspot adorned, inside and out with General Hillier's famous "Here's what I'd do to Bin Laden's testicles if he ever sat down on this pot" image.
The government reasoned, after being smitten with the general's brilliant idea - he has many more like this, which accounts for his success in Afghanistan - that putting thousands of these patriotic pisspots all over Afghanistan, by the law of averages, sooner or later, Osama would end up sitting on one, and voilą, the general would have him by the... (the ever brassy Rosie duhManno would gladly finish the sentence for us, but we eschew the jock strap brand of journalism she revels in), and the war would be over...
And the Canadians would get credit for what George Bush with his billions of dollars spectacularly failed to do. All because of a little Canadian know-how from a guy from Newfie.
In between trapping seasons the general suggested the pisspots could be filled with popcorn to help alleviate the hunger problem in the poorer parts of Afghanistan. In fact the general suggested leaving them filled with popcorn, which might speed up the possibility of entrapment.
That's why the general asked for, and got, four humongous Globemaster transport planes - the largest Canada has ever owned; they cost billions.
Since most Afghans are too poor to have firewood to pop corn, the popping would be done in Canada, and the popcorn then loaded, into the cavernous transport planes, fully popped.. Or is that pooped... Erh... Ah... no, no, that comes later... The general took pains to point out the proper sequence: popping in Canada, pooping in Afghanistan. Everything in his plan depended on getting the sequence right...
The threefer idea - which is probably an idy the general picked up in Newfoundland, since we have it on good authority that Rex Murphy uses one of these at his house - is brilliantly innovative for Afghanistan, one of the poorest countries on earth where few have furniture or kitchenware.
It is at once: a classy patriotic pisspot, reminding the Afghans who their saviour is, a brilliant cost effective trap for Bin Laden, as well as a handy food bowl.
Like a breath of fresh air, Project POOP, as it is classified in military circles, for Pisspot Or Other Purpose, offers the government a welcome success story after revelations that the Industry (later Defence) Minister and a senior ministerial assistant were both shagging the same high priced hooker, kindly provided by a developer, at the precise time he was seeking favourable treatment in an upcoming federal government tender with their departments.
The call girl - she was called into service by her real estate developer employer - obviously was up on the file, as well as both men - even at the same time.
Julie Couillard who, as a poor "working girl," and as a "real estate agent" - she says; her boss said no - had her hands full, having to bone up on two men at once, as part of her job. Above she arrives at the cabinet appointment meeting with subsequently disgraced and dismissed Canadian Minister of Defence, Max - for Maximum Cad - Bernier, where her attire caused such a national ruckus. In her tell-all book she complained bitterly that Maximum screwed her - repeatedly if you can believe - even though he never loved her...
No wonder Prime Minister Harper fired him for bad judgment. But in Max's constituency, in Quebec, they reelected him, showing that it is considered acceptable form in La Belle Province for top political leaders to screw anybody.
Julie had the misfortune in her choice of surname as well. Couillard comes from the old French "couille" which refers to male genitalia, which Max apparently had in ample supply...
One week the Prime Minister had to fire two Ministers of Defence and the next week his top general... It shows how the Canadian defence establishment had totally degenerated, in the 21st century, as everyone is out to grope, either for bad girls or sacks of cash, happily dispensed by war lobbyists who know Canada's top political leaders and civil servants are ready, at anytime to drop their principles or their trousers for the right price.
Both civil servants - though it is not clear what uniform they were wearing at the time - admitted to discussing the tender with her, no doubt breathlessly, in between whatever.
What a professional!!! Now that's value for money... Her boss should be proud, though he's trying his best to distance himself from his hard working employee who had more than her hands full on his behalf.
Compare that to the two civil servants who no doubt billed the festivity extras to the tax payers of Canada, getting a free ride also from Joe Public.
Said the clearly patriotic and professional service provider, "It was a contract," referring to her relationship with the Industry, later Defence Minister, "He never loved me."
What a cad, not observing even the most basic formalities of courtship, and breathing the requisite three little words every woman - even a service provider - has a right to expect from a man in heat.
Needless to say, while the defence minister was off chasing hookers, the Department of National Defence went AWOL. Defence contractors ran amok while the boss's attention was elsewhere, double and triple billing contracts over and above the original estimates for military equipment service contracts, etc.
With no one minding the store, the Auditor-General says the Canadian taxpayer was ripped off for hundreds of millions in unwarranted billings.
And greedy defence consultants - by far the wealthiest lobbyists working Parliament Hill - raked in hundreds of millions in extra payola on top of, under, and behind the table.
Mistresses in Paris and New York, and table top dancers in Hull, all, reportedly remarked on the sudden flush of dollars flowing from their high flying clients from Sodom on the Rideau.
Which explains why these mostly female service providers are among the most patriotic boosters of the war in Afghanistan. In fact private investigators report that there seems to be a sudden boom in Canadian flags being tattooed on bare behinds in Hull.
(In what may be a related medical story, there appears to be an inexplicable abnormally high spike in Viagra sales in the Ottawa area.)
With the disgraced Defence Minister now gone - we hope with all his clothes, if not all his secret federal government documents - the department wants to turn a new page.
Said an enthusiastic spokesman for the Department of National Defence, on a brand new initiative sure to make everyone in uniform swell their chests with patriotism, "Canadians can take pride in that we will soon have POOP all over Afghanistan."
The Operation POOP initiative also fits in extremely well with the Manley Plan which suggested Canada embark only on projects which can be clearly and publicly branded as Canadian initiatives.
Being enamel, POOP is lightweight and highly portable, and in large families can easily and quickly be handed back and forth, for one usage or another, which could be popping or pooping, though not necessarily in that order.
The general admits there is no water for cleaning in most of the houses where the multi-purpose pisspot would be used so it might prove somewhat inconvenient in the short run. But he is working on the water thing next...
It may very well be that the Threefer Patriotic Pisspot might prove to be the general's most enduring achievement in Afghanistan.
A grateful nation should, at a minimum, give him the Order of Canada - at least Officer grade...
Rare Canadiana - the Hillier FART
(Canadian Milit. Class'n: FART - Fast Afterburner Releasing Technology)
We must confess that our search for commemorative memorabilia celebrating the top general of Canada's Defence Forces, and the chief architect of Canada's fast approaching military defeat in Afghanistan - he got out just in time to keep his reputation in tatters - was tough.
Unlike Lord Roberts - the famous British general who won a resounding victory against the same Taliban tribesman for which Canada's General Rick Hillier was no match - for whom we found a stunningly huge variety of memorabilia, no one wanted any of Canada's top general.
After months of sleuthing we finally found one item, under a hospital bed in Turtleford, Saskatchewan.
This fabulous patriotic bedpan will provide a suitable outlet for fans who want to express their support for the general, permit them to sit, cheek-to-cheek with their hero, and salute his military accomplishments with suitable sounds of approval...
Codenamed FART by the military for Fast Afterburner Releasing Technology, this commemorative patriotic Hillier chamber pot offers a far more utilitarian option for patriots who find that ribbon thing a tad silly...
The Pride of America
General Hillier may take pride in learning that he is the first Canadian general to have a face adorning a patriotic pisspot.
But it would be false pride; he is not the first in history.
That honour may very well rest with American General Benjamin Butler of Civil War infamy, whose face has no doubt witnessed the horrors of war, or the eye of the hurricane, as he looks out from the bottom of the historic pisspot below.
But then General Hillier has never minded playing second fiddle to his American military heroes. He is in good company here.
Benjamin Butler was one of the most controversial, and militarily inept generals of the American Civil War.
Like Hillier, an occupying general in a hostile land (Confederate New Orleans during the War), Butler was widely reviled by Southern whites for his policies.
We're not sure what Afghans think of General Hillier whose Canadians have a penchant for firing artillery shells from a distant 30 kms away, and leveling their villages, and homes, and the odd bridal party....
The Civil War general was known as "Beast Butler."
We're not sure what Afghans, who've lost children, wives, teenagers etc. - all due to accidental Canadian operations, of course - call General Hillier, whose troops continue to shoot the place up even though we all thought they've only been on a "training mission" and stopped the aggressive warfare long ago... Some suggest "Horrid Hillier" or "Killer Hillier," in honour of his most famous saying...
Top Union General Grant had no use for Butler's military abilities and wanted to get rid of him, as he had clearly been promoted beyond his abilities, but couldn't because of his powerful political connections.
When Hillier's controversial outspokenness caused problems for the Canadian government in power, the Conservatives - hanging by a thread as a minority government - were similarly hamstrung in firing the general because of Hillier's huge popularity with the military rank and file, the media and the media barons, whose war he was spear-heading. Hey, we know the Government loved his war mongering as much as the others but they couldn't afford to alienate a single voter among the vast majority of Canadians, who opposed the war, and so be forced into an unwelcome election.
Butler soon got a reputation as an inept general who chronically failed to wage a successful battle or campaign against a wilier foe who repeatedly made him look downright silly.
Shades of Hillier...
Witness the spectacular farewell prison break send-off the Taliban gave General Hillier, when they broke out hundreds of prisoners it had taken his Canadians two to three years to catch - and billions of dollars. Oh, and did we mention, the jail was in the territory the Canadians were supposed to be safe-guarding...
The sputtering pundit's post mortem: all the Afghans in the area knew the break-out was coming. Everyone, that is, except General Hillier and his intelligence service officers who were caught totally unawares, in their command post behind the wire at Tim Horton's, Hillier's favourite charity.
Canadian experts of every stripe blamed the totally ineffectual Canadian Military Intelligence service as set up and supervised by General Hillier. More than one expert says Hillier's successor will have to clean up the "lack of intelligence" mess that - within days of General Hillier's farewell ceremonies - gave the Taliban a huge psychological victory and put hundreds of death dealing guerillas back in the field to pose a deadly threat, all over again, to Canadian rank and file soldiers.
But not, of course, to the generals commanding Fort Rideau in far-off Canada...
Finally, because Butler was constantly bogged down in the field, and hopelessly unable to finesse the enemy - a lousy team player - General Grant finally had enough, and recalled him. Butler resigned his command shortly after, in the middle of the war, no less...
A lousy team player! Unable to finesse the enemy! Resigned before the job was done! In the middle of a war, no less... Now where have we heard all that before?
Hillier is most famous for his frequent public outbursts that often embarrassed the government teetering on the edge of minority status, and led directly to the dismissal of his civilian boss, the Minister of Defence. Hell they had to do something, and soon...
CTV announced in the fall of 2007 that the general was privately given his walking papers - the same poison pill option that Hitler gave General Rommel.
The word is that Hillier was also given a window of opportunity to "resign," ending a most controversial three year tenure that is shorter than those of three of his immediate predecessors: Generals Henault (four years), Baril (four years), and de Chastelain (five years.)
De Chastelain was so highly thought of he was even asked to do a second tour of duty as Canada's top general.
Hillier - currently Canada's most famous home-grown general - admitted to the press that no one asked him to "reconsider his retirement..."
Certainly the parallels between Butler and Hillier are remarkable.
Their parallels in commemoration are richly deserved.
What has become of Canada?
"Killer" Hillier, in a photo taken at his investiture as Chancellor of Newfoundland's Memorial University... "once the most powerful man in Canada, now he doesn't have a pot to piss in..." NOT!
But the many who are glad to see the last of General Hillier, and gloat that "once the most powerful man in Canada, now he doesn't have a pot to piss in" would be wrong of course.
Still Canadians are glad to be rid of the general who was the architect of the race war against the Afghans.
Their next task is to get rid of "Hillier's War" and bring home the girls and boys - whom he had sent into harm's way with such gusto ("Our job is to be able to kill people.") - safely to their own country, their friends and families, so they can live out full, productive lives, instead of squandering them, uselessly, in a corporate America led race war in the wastes of Afghanistan.
Oh, and Lest We Forget? To end the death and destruction our Forces and their cronies are promoting daily, among Afghan women, children, and men.
Don't they have a right too, to live out their lives instead of perishing from the warring activities of avenging white Christian Crusaders from half way around the world...?
"We are the Canadian Forces, and our job is
to be able to kill people..."
"the detestable murderers and scumbags" in Afghanistan
Rick Hillier, Canadian General &
Chancellor of Memorial University
It Rains; It Pours - the MUFF
(Canadian Gov. Military Classification - MUFF - Military Urinal For Females)
"Can I send you a picture of my muff?" The woman's email was pleading; we eagerly answered "Yes!"
At first, finding it impossible to find memorabilia to commemorate the achievements of the late commander of the Canadian Forces, we had groused that no one seemed to want a reminder of the man behind Canada's hapless Afghan military adventure.
Now a female member of the Canadian Forces, who took strong exception to our suggestion - impertinent she called it - that the general was all but forgotten, already, by the members of the Forces, proudly sent us a picture of her muff.
And a fine one it proved to be too... One of the finest we've ever had the privilege to see.
No wonder she was so clearly pleased to be able to show us her MUFF, or Military Urinal For Females below saying, somewhat crossly, that, as usual, being male, we were off the mark, while females were much more likely to be on target.
The sisterhood in the Forces, she insisted, have not forgotten their general; quite the contrary, female members are pleased to think of him, she assured us, whenever they get the urge.
So, though he may be gone from the Afghan file, he remains a watchful presence on the female urinal, keeping a sharp lookout, as it were, for anyone approaching who plans an unauthorized usage.
We've been authoritatively assured he's as effective there as he was in putting the Taliban on the ropes in Kandahar province.
(Though we're not sure how reliable this source is as we can't seem to recall the Taliban there ever crying "uncle." Far from it, for if the vaunted "victory surge" in Iraq, has a counterpart in Afghanistan, it is the spectacular growth of Taliban power in the Canadian sector in Kandahar province, where even President Karzai moans he controls less of the area than he did before the Canadians arrived to help secure the area. And we do recall numerous press reports that say that most Canadians mostly hide behind the "wire," while Canadian political and military leaders, for years, have been loudly screaming for help and reinforcements from clearly reticent NATO partners who aren't dumb enough to respond. Clearly "military intelligence" is not an oxymoron in Europe. Which has Canadians screaming louder... )
The MUFF is, apparently, available only in enamel to withstand the rough handling it is expected to get inside a careening tank or bouncing LAV.
Like Canada's other famous invention, the Tilley hat, the Hillier MUFF comes with a 10 page official instruction manual on how to use it properly - with due decorum - in a tent, on a date, in a fast moving vehicle over bouncy terrain, or while being shot at in combat.
Fortuitous notes are also included on how to avoid damaging the decal of the general during use, it having the same heritage designation as the Canadian flag.
Just like with the Canadian flag, it is an offence - under the act, whichever - to continue using the urinal if the decal becomes defaced for any reason. It must then be privately destroyed in a seemly manner in a way not to cause an indignity to the General and all he stands for.
It is apparently prohibited to continue using an old MUFF as an idle play thing, as a receptacle for flowers, or to grow herbal plants in.
Though, in deference to the general's well-known penchant for quaffing back more than a few, whenever the occasion permits, it may be used as a beer tankard on festive - make that any regimental drinking - occasion.
Though, as a cautionary, we would suggest you not let a MUFF out of your control for any period of time during these raucous festivities, as an overly tipsy member of the rank and vile, who is not aware that it has been officially retired from its former use, may just forget and use it like the common threefer patriotic Pisspot Or Other Purpose above.
This, besides being an illegal use, and clearly contrary to regulations, might also just forever swear off the owner - if he took an inadvertent swig - from drinking beer from a tankard ever again...